“It’s hard, I’m trying to beat this emptiness but I’m running out of time. I’m sinking in the sand and I can barely stand. I’m lost in this dream, I need you to hold me. I’m scared of lonely. I try to be patient but I’m hurting deep inside. And I can’t keep waiting, I need comfort late at night. And I can’t find my way, won’t you lead me home? Cause I’m lost in this dream, I need you to hold me. I’m scared of lonely. And I’m scared of being the only shadow I see along the wall. And I’m scared the only heartbeat I hear beating is my own. And I’m scared of being alone. I can’t seem to breathe when I am lost in this dream. I need you to hold me. I’m scared of lonely.”—Beyonce, Scared Of Lonely
“He should know that the great aim of every human being is to understand the meaning of total love. Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we must simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with. “
Relationships always seem to never work for me. The one time where things are going somewhat alright and he’s back with the previous. These are the times when I’m physically and mentally numb. I pinch myself and I can’t feel anything. This is where I like to think I understand why people inflict harm on themselves. They just want to feel something again, either physically or emotionally. I haven’t reached that point yet but I feel if this continues to happen I will. Please don’t worry about me because of this. These are thoughts in the moment of heartbreak. I’ve cried so much this past week and I’m so tired of it. Only two people seem to make it better, Mother and another friend. My eyes are constantly wet. My heart is constantly aching. My mind is constantly numb. My body is constantly tired. My mouth is unable to express. My life is constantly depressing and I’m so tired of it. I am tired of being alone. I need more than a good friend in my life, or at least one that I do not have feelings for. I need guidance. I need someone, please.
What is the best cure for insomnia? Can't sleep ever. Please help. Thanks.
Well anonymous, I would say listen to some good music or watch a movie. I personally turn on some M83 or something and listen to the chords, the interactions between notes, how the different textures mesh with each other, the overlying colors of the sound. Get your mind off the days happenings and focus on something simple yet fully mind consuming. If music isn’t your thing, then the same can be done with a really good dramatic tv series or a movie like The Fountain. I can only speak praises about that film.
Walking with him, we go up to the ex. I meet him for the first time and can tell already doesn’t like me. We’re doing something, just the three of us. I try to keep up. There is a rack of show choir uniforms for sale, he is rolling them along. We’re walking the winding line to watch the show, I’m falling behind. They rush ahead forward and I’m stuck in a compartment. I have to stay or I will get hurt. It opens again and I go out, they are not there. I continue along the path and come up a spiral hill and see them, eating one fruit hanging from a string at the same time. They are together again and I am alone. Wake up Austen, the dream is over.
He also doesn’t believe that I have deja vu sometimes. It’s real shit, bro, and I wouldn’t lie to you. When you were talking about Chelsea Johnson today and mentioned the library and cologne except she didn’t spell it right, those white headphones in your ears, the glass door in the distance, you looking at your white MacBook? Yeah, I’ve seen that in a dream before. I don’t know why, when, or how but I do know it happened. Dreaming is serious shit with me. It’s scary shit with me. And it happens all the time. If you don’t believe me on something as minuscule as that, how can I trust you to believe everything else I say? Yeah..
I feel like I cannot seem to do anything right. I feel inexperienced and that people tell me that doesn’t matter but I know it does. Everything I do is pointless. When I am happy, others aren’t. When others are happy, I am not. How can other people do it but I cannot? Even in school everyone does better than I do. I get in trouble and get punished harder than everyone else. What am I doing wrong? I wish someone would just tell me. There are people in my life that I know I could turn to but they have lives and problems of their own to deal with. Doesn’t everyone? I want to find someone whom I can work out my problems and work out theirs as well. Nobody can be what I need. Not what I want, what I need. Do you understand? We are still so young, everyone says, but we’re really not. Time is moving faster than everyone thinks it is and every second could be our last. I absolutely have come to loathe myself in the past few days for being so understanding with others. I want to scream, to cry, to curl up in a ball, to sleep and never wake up. I want to break something. I want the tears to start flowing so that I can reach the other side and feel better. Why do I have to care so much? Why can’t I be some heartless bitch like others can be and live selfishly? Then I wouldn’t be me, I guess. I am so angry and so sad. I feel alone and there’s nothing I can do to alleviate it. I’m so fucking tired of being alone all the time. And these past few weeks when things were starting to look up? Those are gone as faster than they came. I want to be home. Just home with someone else. Someone I can know will be there for me when I need them like I do now. I am so alone. So alone and I am helpless to do anything about it. When I try to do something about it, I am shot down like the runt of the litter. Why can life be so terrible? The silence is deafening. The cold is unbearable. I want my mother. So damn much. To see her face and know that I am home. To embrace her and know that I am loved. To comfort me from a life so cold and silent that I can’t stand it anymore. I love her so damn much. There is no person in the world like your mother. Have her wipe the tears from my face and tell me that everything will be alright. Hold me and I will feel home. Finally at home again. I miss her with every fiber of my being. She is home and I am not with her. When I think of her face, my world lights up. When I know what we have gone through together, i cry like I am now. She means the world to me and I don’t know what I would have done if I lost her a year and a half ago. I want to find someone that can make me feel like she does. I just want to be home. Truly and wholly home. Nobody will let me in to give me the chance to prove I belong. I don’t belong.
I always seem to find the people who connect with me but then cannot be what I need them to be in my life. The people that I find are always torn or invested in someone else and as much as they want to help me, they need to help themselves first which I understand. I don’t know why I am so understanding. I need to stand up for my opinion every once in a while. I am having a sort of deja vu moment right now except what I have seen is going to happen because I didn’t speak my mind. I need to tell them that even though their situation has come back up again, they are never going to move on if they continue to allow it to. Some sort of resolution needs to be reached. What if, for once in my life, I am better for them? Why won’t they just let me prove myself? This has now happened twice in the span of only 2 years. People tell me that I am unique and amazing and everyone can see that but that’s all I get. I never get a chance to show them what I can offer them. I always be that understanding person and they love me for it. I want you to love me for what I can offer you and not just because I accept what you offer me. Why do I care so much for other people’s well being? I try not to be selfish but do you have to be selfish once in a while to keep yourself invested in something? I put others first and myself second a lot of the time. And when I put myself first and other second, I feel terrible about myself and revert back. I know other people need time to heal and that will take a while but you want to know what? I’ve waited a long while for something like this. Time heals most wounds, I should know this first hand and I do, but it will always leave the scars there to remember them by. I invest my romantic interest in the people that I come to call my good friends. I haven’t had a good friend in such a long time because of this and it seems I have failed myself once again. There is so much hurt inside of me and I mask it well. So much shit has happened to me in these past few years. I’m not trying to be selfish and have a pity party here but rather get all my thoughts out. Most people don’t even know the real Austen. Many people shouldn’t know, it’s not public business but I feel like the people that I choose to share it with should value that I took the risk to invest in them. They are important to me and I’ve seen something in them that I see in nobody else. When I get to know someone on that level, I just hand out my life on a silver platter and give myself away. It is all taken away and I fear I won’t feel it anymore after a while. I know that they still want to be my friend and we will always have a place in each other’s lives as our relationship continues to grow on a different path than I wish it to, but sometimes that’s not enough for me. I can’t expect them to give me what I need because they are dealing with their own issues. Why can’t we deal with them together. In some sense, I am fuming because of their past issues, so angry. But that is selfish of me to feel that way and I could never express that for I fear they would get mad at me as well. I am understanding. I always am with everyone. I want to make people happy and need those that make me happy to be there with me. I have been told I am mature for my age and I guess that’s a sad thing. What a disappointment to be in the wrong skin. I should be enjoying these times, and I have been, but it seems things are just like they always have and will be until everyone else decides to catch up. I was born in the wrong time. Why can’t I just fast forward? I would miss all that is happening for me now. Everything that is now starting to blossom and the acceptance that comes along with that. It’s a beautiful thing to be accepted just as you are. For many people it was always easy but for people like me, it is a struggle. Hiding inside someone you are not takes it’s toll on you. It’s draining to lie to the ones you love, even if you are only halfway lying. Deceiving is just as bad. I hope that things will get better for me but I seriously doubt that will happen in the near future. It seems as though I will just have to continue waiting like I have been for a while. I am only 19 but it feels as if I have lived this for an eternity. These people I can connect with feel like I have known them before. They are familiar and I can trust them, just not with my heart. It is so vulnerable and they cannot handle it like I need them to. I want to be yours. Wholly yours and show you what you mean to me. Obviously I should not be given that chance because of how “unique” and inexperienced I am. Obviously. Make up your mind because although I am understanding, I cannot stand on this pillar you escalate me to forever. I am not Atlas with the strength to hold up the world. I know you don’t expect me to but you can’t be there for me when I falter or want to show you what you mean to me. It is depressing and I have your jacket with me. I don’t know if your smell will comfort me or make me explode into a revolutionary fervor of tears. I absolutely loathe feeling this way. It hasn’t happened for a while and it’s all too familiar. I cannot look at the world and instead see past everyone and everything as I sit in my own mental chamber, poring over things I cannot change. I should have learned from my past experiences but there’s a certain extent in which I need to feel this way to get over it. We are still friends in the morning but I want to be more. I need you to be more but you can’t be there for me. We are closer than most in my life but still you cannot be what I need you to be. Things were going so well, why did this have to happen again? I knew it was going to happen. I knew when you told me who you were seeing this weekend. I knew and I should have seen it coming but I thought things would be different this second time. I should have expected less of you because you need time and more of myself because I knew it was going to happen this way. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. And it makes me so mad and so sad. So incredibly sad that sometimes I question my place on this earth in this time. If I weren’t here, things could be so different in your life and other people’s. You wouldn’t have felt this way about me and then you could have healed along a different path. So mad that I would place my trust in you even though we acknowledged we weren’t defined as in a relationship. Of course the song I’m listening to says this, “We will love again, just not each other.” I want to love you but you won’t let me in. I don’t know if you ever did. I shouldn’t doubt you, but in my current state I will and do. You will always be mine and I will always be yours, I just want you to acknowledge that on another level. We both know we felt it and I hope there’s a possibility in the future for us. I have let myself down once again and I don’t know when I’ll learn. I refuse to let this be like last time. Everything is always better in the morning except when it isn’t. I hope to God that tomorrow will be better.
Ian gets up at 5 am today. Yes, 5 am. Takes a shower and doesn’t even try to be quiet about it. He gets dressed and leaves to unknown places so I go back to sleep. Then, around 7:43 am, he comes back in very quietly and proceeds to go to sleep like normal people very noisily and proceeds to type some lengthy paper on his computer with keystrokes that sound like marbles dropping on a tile floor. My alarm is set to go off at 9:40. I have two more hours to sleep, Ian. TWO MORE HOURS. But alas, the story of my life continues with less sleep than what my phone told me as I closed my eyes last night: 8 hours and 43 minutes. Sometimes I feel like letting him know how I feel about these happenings. But I seriously cannot wait until I have an apartment or something with someone that I’m actually friends with next year.
On a more positive note, here’s some philosophical thought that came to me in the bathroom of the SAC: So many people are defined by their experiences and who they become friends with. They, sometimes unknowingly, will assimilate attributes of these friends and experiences into their own personality and likeness making them a compilation of their relationships. What, then, is originality? Is there one original person in this world who constantly redefines themselves in a way that is refreshing and new? Yes, we are all individuals and there is most likely no one like any of us in the world but that is not the same thing as originality. In our short and meaningless existence, compared to the span of the universe as we know it, what original ideas and thoughts are there left to be discovered? Are they discovered or are they created? Is everything pre-determined and it’s just up to us to find out what is already there? The thought that everything is already written scares me a lot of the time because I don’t like the thought of some other force being in control. Everything does happen for a reason and every person we meet will change us in some way, large or small. The only question is, will we let them redefine us, contribute to who we already are, or maybe even contribute to their life in some way? All we need to do to find out is let them in and subdue the natural fear within us all.
This kind of fell into my lap and don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled that I have this opportunity but it’s kind of stressful on top of school. I don’t have my resume with me here so I have to make one from scratch, again. I need to come up with 7-10 questions for a reverse interview on Friday where I ask the lady questions. I also need to wash my clothes because the purple shirt I want to wear isn’t clean. Meow meow meow. I’ll stop complaining soon and at least the lady reminds me of someone I know.